i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
