All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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