Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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