my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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