made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You smell like stripper and shame
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
