Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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