I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
