i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
