i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
