dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The struggles of a small town man whore
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
