He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
