You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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