dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
