my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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