I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
