So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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