I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize