Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
