There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize