apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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