Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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