I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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