Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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