Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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