marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
