So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
