My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
