if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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