lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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