omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize