I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
