If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
