Don't make out with my wife yet
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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