The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
