i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
