This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
