It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
