break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
