I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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