Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
