then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
