it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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