im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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