My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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