So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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