if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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