My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
