is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We had sex on a dog bed..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
