also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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