apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
