He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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