I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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