i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
