Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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