just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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