Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize