Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm bleeding and have questions
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
