now i know why i became what i already was.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
