My room smells like vodka and shame
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
