no, he came in my armpit
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
