So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
