remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
