at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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