grandma shit on top of the toilet
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Boobs are out for the taking
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
