I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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