is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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