I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
