all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
