The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
