the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
