i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
