i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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