either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
