I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
