an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
